Wagers and Warnings

My Dear Cedric,

Please forgive my rather unusual silence, for as you should know, given as I am to fits of solitary sojourns, I found myself somewhat absquatulated in the darkest of reaches where even the greater thrombat’s long arms do not extend. Therefore you will be most heartened to know that I have succeeded in procuring a fine specimen from the Harticaria Bicephalus Furgulens phenotype. I am all come over with the delightful notion that I may be the first among the Brethren of the Splendid Chalice to return to our blessed isle with such a beast! I attach a hurried sketch:

Indeed, I shall anticipate an most excellently prepared repast from Rodder’s own hand (though I expect if shall be wretched Gilpy’s) when I encounter the scoundrels again. It is not before time that those two miscreants bow to others’ abilities and pay a contrite apology to those (and they are many) they have thoughlessly offended for their own amusement.

How glad I am to hear that dear Watty is with you! To own the truth, I was becoming fearful that the chap was more chirkful when he was dining that when he was engaged in scientiferous contrafabulations. Yet your words have quickened my cheer, for it seems our dear cousin has provided you with useful experience and knowledge instead of his more common appetite for one’s larder. Perhaps he may draw you towards the properties of the device with a heavy handed touch, yet his mind is agile and his wit rapier-like. I should listen closely to his advisements, for it is likely he may know more than he himself believes. I advise no more than half a decanter of Lumi for our dear gentleman before he engages again with your fragile device, for it has been brought to my attention that more then a quart’s consumption of the liquid may render one as a cocked hat!

Thankfully I have not succumbed to any such dire complaint as the Zanaian Blue Spluerg, as having seen an unfortunate savage that shewed the noxious affliction, I should imagine it unlikley that I should be able to continue my travels with my stomach turned outside in, and mine eyes receding into the confines of my skull only to erupt through my auditory canals with the loudest of popping sounds whereupon that individual was entirely exfluncticated. Quite ghastly.

I am most sorry to see that you write of your departure from the effervescent Mistress Wolport, however I am most gratified that you have elicited passage on that fine dirigible out of Liverpool in time to meet with my gift to you – how fortuitous that timing, wot? If I am not mistaken, Watty is correct (as usual) about the Rongorongo tablet, for he mentioned something of similar dealings to myself when we gave the lecture on Quirmic Idylls of the Rapa Nui-Vango Lui Peninsulae some five years past at the Academy. Be sure to enquire of him as to the Borogolola Isles’ savages’ histories, for I am sure (again) he shall have some excellent tidbits of information regarding Orongonese linguistics, which may have for the mean time slipped his busy and, not unlike his laboratories at the Club, rather crowded mind. I therefore urge you to seek out a Captain Risticus Geppering-Barclay, on arrival at the embarcation point and advise him you require board and lodgings at the Gentlemans’ Club, ‘Lo Horongo Gorongo’. It is of middling appointment though clean, but the man is more than capable of finding yourself and Watty a local guide at a good price and delay you with none of the bunkum with which the savages would otherwise advise you. They are a bunch of border ruffians, the Orongonese, and I advise you to be on your guard in a boodle, they have designs about your possessions – I lost a rather fetching pocket watch there once.

I am just now seated under canvas at the edge of the Barmaloogi ravine complex, near where Ferkin Bletchley-Middens encountered the Netrificus Dolden no more than a year ago – one sighting of this profoundly evasive critter will cap the climax, let me inform you! If I must return to our sceptered isle without a viewing of this creature, I shall be catawamptiously chewed up. I fear the scritching of my quill is a deafening sound in this quiet locale, thus I shall end here. I do, however, in parting, draw you attention to a most amusing typo on page 4590 of Simpleton’s Guide to Rongorongo, which gave me good cause to loosen my cravat and no mistake.

With affection, as ever,
Wilbur.

Sad partings and new horizons

Wilbur,

It is with great concern that I note that you have not yet responded to my most recent missive. I do hope that nothing untoward has befallen you, particularly as I have so often heard of the virulent Bacteriuria that proliferate so prodigiously in deepest Zananialand.

This is but a brief note to let you know that I have moved on from Claptrap and although it is of no moment, in light of the thrombat's most extraordinary ability to divine one's presence wheresoever one finds oneself, I knew you would be in eagerness to know where my travels have most recently taken me. On Watty's arrival in Claptrap some three weeks ago, he was quick to inform me that the reason for the device's fallible (I daresay non-existent!) performance is that it is in a state of dishabille, and would need to be deconstructed and reconstructed. This he promptly did, fuelled by claret and Mrs Wolport's most sturdy broth, however on full dismemberment he came to discover that there is in fact an (of course essential) part missing!

This led us to bid a rather tearful farewell to Mrs Wolport - tearful because the sweet lady had become quite dear to me over my time in the village, and because Watty so very quickly became devoted to her cooking - and to leave the fair environs of Claptrap to catch the fast airship out of Liverpool to Rapa Nui. (I am gratified to say that we most serendipitously were passing through Liverpool when the greater thrombat arrived with your package! But more about that next missive...) Watnot assures me that he some ten years ago saw a Rongorongo tablet there upon which was pictured the very part we seek! (As you know, I am not the one to laugh in the face of coincidence, since it has so often led me true)

Soon we will be alighting at Orongo, where I will dispatch this missive. In the meantime I had best get back to my Simpleton's Guide to Rongorongo, which Watty tells me will give me all I need to understand this intriguing language and with hope further our investigations.

I do hope that this finds you in good health and spirits.

Yours as ever, in darkness and in light,
Cedric

Watford and walks in the wood

My dear Wilbur,

How delightful to hear from you so soon, particularly since I see that your travels have taken you to darkest Zananialand! I had to laugh on reading of you catching sight of Rangociferous Blerisinia, as I remember how Rodders and his little paki sidekick - Gilpmed, was it? - used to tease you as to its very existence. I have hastily sketched a verisimilitude and thrombatted it to the two old letchers, where they have taken residence at Tiddlesbury-Under-Compton (aye indeed, the place of the recent Nadwort sighting! - so you can imagine what those two sceptics are about there, eh?!) I reminded them on your behalf that they now owe you a fine roast comprising Rodders' right buttock cheek in a redcurrant flambe, a gold-plated cleat for our uncle's clipper, and a woodland thrush in a mangrove tree for Mother's aviary.

I was also gratified to hear that your prodigious appetite has returned after your malaise last year, and await receipt of the Lumi with barely contained excitement. You more than anyone knows how my palate delights at adventures among the rare and unlikely! Speaking of which, I took you up on your suggestion to visit the Olde Lyme Inn, where they do indeed serve a fine claret with, I dare say, some rather unusual properties. On first partaking of the beverage, I was overcome by an extremely favourable frame of mind, where all and sundry with whom I conversed seemed to be the most excellent of fellows, full of wit and tales of rare adventure. This is of course is not unusual in the consuming of fine wines, which serve to sharpen the perceptions in a most pleasurable way and lend favour to even the dullest of discourse. What was unusual was that on waking the following morning I came to the realisation that it was damned unusual for there to be so many souls coming and going from such a quiet country establishment - and that indeed I do not even know if there are so many inhabitants in the whole of Claptrap as I had encountered the night before! And moreover on further contemplation, it occurred to me that not a one of those faces held any familiarity to me, though I have resided here for some three months now.

Intriguing to say the least, what, old chap?

I have many times since then wished that you were here so that I had somebody with whom, so to speak, to compare notes. However as you are regrettably so far distant at this time, I have instead sent for our cousin Watford, who though rather inclined toward flatulence has a voracious appetite for the unsual. (I have in self defense put him up in the Faire Maiden a short walk across the village - yes, I can hear your guffaw from here!) I do look forward to seeing old Watnot, and shall of course give him your best - ah to remember the high jinks we got up to as boys, in and out of our fort in the hedge at the bottom of Snitty Flintbottom's garden! Ah cousin, what days, what days!

But ha! I have methinks tormented you for long enough, what? I am sure you are in all eagerness to hear of my recent experimentations. As you may have surmised by dint of our long acquaintance, I heartily pray that, based on my delicate enquiries within the darkened halls of Number 5 Alder Crescent the contraption furnished by the mysterious Mr Burlap is one which will indeed aid us in our endeavours to visually perceive that which we have so long sought. My experimentations with the item are at their early stages, (I suspect old Watnot with his skill for tinkering will be of significant assistance) and at this point I cannot report any significant success. I did however have a blasted strange experience this Sunday past, which may or may not have had to do with the item. It was an extraordinarily fine day and I decided to take the contraption out with me on a Sunday meander. Close outwith the village is an extremely pleasant wood, where the trees let through the sunlight in a most restorative fashion, and within the wood is a glade that dips toward a fortifying natural spring. It was here that I stopped to take repast and examine our contraption, for reasons that you are no doubt aware. I have in some small ways found my way about the item, however I must confess it largely confounds me. In any matter, I had partaken of the extremely fine repast habitually provided by one Mrs Wolport, the fine cook who runs the establishment some few steps from my rooms, and found myself drifting pleasantly into slumber in the early afternoon sunlight. It seemed but moments that I drifted thus between sleeping and wakefulness, when I know not what startled my eyes open. Imagine my surprise then when my startled eyes revealed that dusk had fallen, the sun was gone, and I was quite quite cold! I got up hastily and gathered up my belongings and turned to head back to my lodgings - only to discover that I knew not where I was! I took considerable stumbling and a rather nasty fall to discover that I had somehow ended up on the very opposite side of the glade to where I had begun! Of course there can be no other explanation than the one that is in both our minds cousin! A most intriguing and exhilirating turn of events as I am sure you can imagine.

Ah, I believe I perceive the fine scents of my supper drifting to me up the stair and expect Mrs Wolport's firm yet feminine tap on the door posthaste.

And thus I leave you, ever fondly and with every wish for your continuing robust good health and success in your undertakings.

As ever your friend and confidante,
Cedric